Making parenting mistakes since 2008

Category — infertility


Michael’s  (aka E’s) family is about to get a baby to foster and I must say that I am jealous to say the very least. I have written about learning to be happy with the family I have, about it being enough and it is enough. In fact it is great but my heart still longs for more children and I am working on it.

I am frustrated by the fact that we were the right family for two very broken boys that no one else would take but that we can not be the right family for another child. I am feeling the sting of infertility as more and more people around me announce pregnancies and new babies and my life is destined to remain without a baby to nurture. It is hard, it hurts me to core and there is little to be done but to learn to cope with the pain and these feelings.

To be honest, I have had to learn to cope with a lot of things that were out of my control and it’s crappy. It sucks to not be able to dictate how and when our family will grow or not. It is hard to watch other people get to nurture children from infancy while I know that I will likely never get that privilege and that is not to say that my children are any less fabulous but there is a part of me that longs to have a baby in my arms. Sometimes the realisation that it is unlikely to ever happen is hard to swallow and makes it hard to keep the tears in check as another person tells me their due date.

To add to my overwhelming feelings of loss I am also trying to wrap my brain around the fact that tomorrow is my last appointment with my therapist. With a woman who has journeyed  with me for 13 years and has seen me through more than anyone else. She has held my hand through serious depression, through loss and grief,  through joy and wonder. I am working on moving on, I have not seen her all summer on purpose, I have stayed away so that I can start to move on but saying good-bye to her tomorrow is looming large and yet it needs to happen, I need to close that door.

My grief at this moment is heavy, it is weighing me down and as if that was not enough I spent 30 minutes doing homework with Fudge. I need you know that this alone would make anyone crazy let alone me given the way that I am feeling this week.

I know I will survive, I will learn to cope, to let this be enough, to let go of the dreams of more kids and babies in my arms, but it is hard and sadly I do not think that it is going to get any easier in the next day or two.

September 28, 2011   9 Comments

Becoming a Mom again?

I’m participating in a contest at Best Kids Apps, a blog about iPhone apps for kids, for a chance to win an iPad and I had to say that in order to be entered and since their contest is about Mother’s Day I am going to use this chance to talk about my struggles…

I have written other posts about being a Mom, about how I love my children endlessly Even though they did not grow in my body, even though by the time they got into my arms they were already pretty damaged, even though sometimes I feel like I am not enough for them, I am still their Mom. I love them with all my heart and I do not think for a minute that I would ever feel any other way about them.

I came to be a Mom through adoption but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a baby. To grow a part of me and P inside and then to hold that piece of the 2 of us in my arms. I wonder what it would be like to give birth. I wonder what it would be like to watch that attachment grow in the way that is should. I wonder what it would be like to experience all those firsts that you do with a baby.

Sometimes I wonder if when I am older and that window has closed for good if I will regret not having not ever having had that experience.

Sometimes I think I want that experience. There are days when I think that I would be willing to deal with the medical involvement, with the drugs and the shots and all that is the world of infertility treatment because in the end I would have a baby. Right? I would not be one of the ones who does not get pregnant. I would not be one of those women who tries for years only to have her heart broken again and again at the disappointment that is infertility. Would I?

What if it never happened? If we went through all that and never had a baby. How would we deal with that?

Sometimes I manage to squish down all the what if’s that run through my head and I think that we should try, that we should at least give the fertility world a try and see if we can have a baby because I do not want to always wonder about what may been.

Then I have a morning like today and I wonder again if it would be worth it.

I was do my bit as a reading volunteer this morning and all the staff at Calvin’s school is mourning the loss of a colleague’s child. This teacher went on maternity leave last month, her baby was born and died early this week in her arms while she called 911 because her brand new daughter was turning blue. She had a heart condition that no one caught and she died at 2 weeks old. I know that this woman struggled with infertility and miscarriages, this baby was a miracle in many ways and then she only lived for 2 short weeks.

Could I handle if something like that happened to us because it would not just happen to P and I it would happen to Calvin and Fudge too.

Are there any easy answers to all these big questions? No, there are not. I know that.

I (we) did not adopt because of our infertility issues, long before P. I said I was going to adopt, I knew that this was a part of how I wanted to build my family. For a long time I thought that I would do it as a single parent and then when P and I finally got together we decided that this was how we would start our family.

I never thought that I would long for baby like I sometimes I do. I never thought I would want to know what it is like to have a life grow inside you and yet here I am, wondering, longing, uncertain.

Ultimately I know that P and I are going to have to make some choices and be happy with the choices we make because I do not have the rest of my life to make this decision, it has a best before date and if wait to long the date will of come and gone.

But sometimes I wish there was an easy answer because infertility makes things really complicated.

April 30, 2010   4 Comments